Hello sweet soul,
Happy December. Today I want to share a “truthful Tuesday” sort of letter; it’s a piece I wrote you right before my 36th birthday, on November 29th. In honor of another trip around the sun, I want to share some of my insights and learnings from this past year, in hopes that they’ll serve you in your own journey.
It’s a little longer than usual, but stick with me, there’s some gems in here for you…
Wow, this has been a powerful year. One of the most healing years of my existence, in fact. Since adolescence, I’ve been on a personal journey…discovering who I am, and I’ve done a shit ton of work. I’m talking: energy healers, therapists, life coaching, somatic experiencing, retreats, yoga teacher trainings, coaching certifications, and so much more.
And yet, about a year ago, even with all the beautiful work I had done up to that point, I noticed a very strong fear pattern in me, surfacing mostly in my romantic relationship with my boyfriend Robert.
I started noticing that whenever we got into a fight or power struggle, Robert’s instinct was to walk away. To leave the conversation. And my instinct was to grip, to pull, to want him to stay.
In those moments, I watched myself transform into a 5-year-old version of myself. Even in the grips of the pattern, I could see what I was doing. I’d say to myself, “You don’t need to do this, Melanie,” and “You’re safe.” I’d call on my practices. I’d breathe. I’d fear melt by moving my body. I unhooked and came back to me. Yet no matter how many tools I called on, it was like this energy took over and I couldn’t release the grip of the fear and step out of it.
This sparked me to call in a new kind of support, and so I began working with a new healer therapist. I was deeply devoted to understanding and unwinding the mechanism at play for me. To really learning how to love this part of myself and to reclaim myself as sacred. What started as a “relationship issue” has led me into a beautiful year of connecting more deeply with myself that I ever have before.
Part of the liberation has come through discovering that this fear that’d show up in times of Robert pulling away had been there for me since I was a little babes. That at the core, what I was coming up against in my relationship was a deep fear that my existence—my very breathing and the being of me—will get me in trouble. That I’ll be abandoned because of who I am, and so I needed to prove my existence.
In deepening into the core of this fear, I learned that even with all the work I’ve done, I had some aspects of a scared little girl living inside me. Even through a pretty good childhood, there were pivotal moments of my childhood when I felt scared, unseen, unknown, and that it was like I’d left a part of me behind in those memories and experiences. This past year has been about sweeping up and reintegrating my little girl. Bringing her in and giving her the nurturing she needs, so that she doesn’t run the show in the form of my reactivity.
I’ve learned this year in a whole new way that reactivity isn’t about what’s happening in the moment…it’s about fear that’s been living in my body that needs to be tended to. While I’ve “known” this for years and already having done some great work with it, this past year I really came into a deepened understanding of this fear, and began working with my own reactivity on a whole new level.
While the work this year has sometimes been edgy and painful, for one of the first times in my life, I feel SO free. Free to be me. Free of so many of the old stories I had been carrying. Free and liberated in my own skin. More free of taking over-responsibility for others healing and self authority. More free of having to overcompensate and prove myself to know I exist and am seen.
I have learned more fully how to really hold me, to stand in my own strength, and really get me. I have learned how to more intimately tend to and nurture myself. I’ve learned that I have needs, and that it’s okay to have them. Even more, I’ve learned more deeply how to stand for having my own needs met and how to really hold myself when they’re not met.
If you’ve stayed with me up to this point, I’d like to leave you with knowing that wherever you are in your own healing journey, I applaud you. It requires so much bravery and commitment to connect back to who you really are and to reclaim those parts of you that have felt unseen, unloved, disconnected from. I also want to remind you that choosing to live a life where you are unwinding and unfurling all that has covered up you being you SO worth it; that living in ease, love, and connection to yourself is your birthright.
I imagine the path of healing sometimes can feel uncomfortable, and I see you brave soul. I see you showing up each day with new possibilities living and breathing and pulsing inside you. Giving your attention to what lights you up and connecting to those spaces inside that need your loving attention. I see you remembering how powerful and wise you are. I see you reaching out to one another and getting supported.
Regardless of where you’re at, thank you for being on this journey home with me.
I see you. I love you. And I support you.